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Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

  • You'll have to cry me out
    You'll have to cry me out
    The tears that i fall mean nothing at all
    It's time to get over yourself
    Baby you ain't all that
    Maybe there's no way back
    You can keep talking but baby
    I'm walking away

    -Pixie Lott

    Anything that's worth living for also leaves you vulnerable to an emotional hightide.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

  • little soul searching time.

    i want to talk about judgement.
    what is it exactly that makes us tend to judge people so harshly all the time? is it our insecurities that perpetually bite at us and gives us a need to put others down to make ourselves feel better? or is it a strong sense of values that some have cultivated because of the environment they grew up in? i discovered that for me, judgement comes most bitterly when i see my own flaws in someone else. its a strange subconscious mechanism, that makes you see your mistakes materialising in one outside yourself. for some reason it makes you feel repelled, perhaps because you're in denial of your own faults. i don't know if its just me. i think its an insecurity complex.

    this also explains why opposites attract. when we're too much like each other, people are reminded of the things that they are ashamed about themselves, and see the replication of their strengths which make them feel a little less special/one of a kind. yet, having nothing in common at all is obviously just as unworkable. this, i can now safely say i experienced first-handedly. how do you find the perfect balance, of being able to identify with someone, but at the same time being different enough to compliment one another? maybe only time and interaction will tell.

    but anyway, i realised how much i dislike it when people judge my friends, especially when they choose to simply believe what they hear. are any of us really perfect enough to judge the way others live their lives? can we safely say we have never made the same mistakes of acting inappropriately in cases when we shouldn't have, or never got involved in a messy, controversial situation in which the way we handled things might not have been the best? i like to get to know people who have been misunderstood, because i prefer to see the value in them. it is so ironic because i realise that these are the people who have emitted lesser verbal poison than most of the people i know. why dont you stop and think about what people might be saying about you in the first place before you start firing at others? i could say this all, but then i know i am also guilty of judgement. yet, it still repulses me. because i really hate being judged, especially by people close to me. i dont think people understand very well the fragility of a situation when you're trying to give advice. some people might take it well, but if you are hypersensitive it hurts till it makes you nauseous, it eats at you until you cant deal with yourself and it transforms into anger instead. 

    do you sometimes feel that humans are so full of contradictions? we're so weighed down by our insecurities that we feel we may never be confident people. and yet in certain areas we are brimming with so much self pride we subconsciously push people away when they try to offer us advice on what to do with our lives. we always say we can't wait until a levels are over, but then we complain about how sucky our lives are the moment the post exam hype dies down. every once in a while we become so filled with resentment for people we dislike that we eventually start acting like them. and you know what? here's the timeless classic. the more someone claims to be already independent, the more they're actually secretly in dire need of companionship.

    i am just frustrated, im sorry.

Monday, 21 December 2009

  • long day today. went to the bank to change my bank book to an adult version, and attain my first ever ATM card. the wicked stench of materialistic pursuit would have been a lot sweeter and more consuming, if not for my terrible locational skills. took forever to find the taka posb. they DO NOT have it on the stupid directory, i think because its actually sort of inside takashimaya the departmental store itself? so frustrating. i was seriously on a mad dash, in clicky noisy pumps. was racing against their closing hours. it was 6.15pm and i had 45 minutes to go. honestly all i could think of was damn it, i came all the way from marine parade, if i dont get it all done today i will just whack somebody. finally found it after calling my sis and asking a security guard and a chinese restaurant waitress. the queue took FOREVER. and while i stand in line many many middle age people spend 30 minutes shamelessly just staring, wondering why im weird enough to land myself in posb, as if im going to raid my parents accounts or something. and all the while in the discomfort this little boy in the background is counting loudly: NINETY EIGHT NINETY NINE ONE HUNDRED TWO HUNDRED THREE HUNDRED FOUR HUNDRED FIVE HUNDRED SIX HUNDRED, and your brain is going

    ARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH SHADDAP LEH?!?!??!

    i think i finally found my calling because despite this, the fact that i still am interested in working in a bank surprises myself.

    went shopping with vivie.(: i have got that girl hooked on make up!!! am very pleased. seriously, i know some people say that make up is very fake and everyone prefers girls in their whole, natural beauty. i don't disagree, i definitely support that. but nevertheless, how could it become a whole commercial market by itself if it is of such little influence? make up is less of a vanity product than a form of art to me. your face is a canvas and when you learn the art of contouring, matching the right foundational colour tones to your skin it is an amazing realm of skill and creation of beautiy altogether. you can create angles and shadows on a face when it originally didnt have them. with make up concealing scars and patching up marks is easy with the right shade of concealer. just like life itself - meeting the right people makes all the past insignificant. everyone has their fetishes i guess. and mine is costly ><

    finally spent my topshop gift card! bought wonderfully trendy stockings, a dress and an office skirt that makes my ass look fat (in singapore where all asses are small, tis a GOOD thing!). went broke AGAIN, because new look skinny jeans were too good to be true. these deals only come once in a blue moon i tell you.

     

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

  • i saw their happy, lovely pictures. and i dont know why it hurts so bad. just for one moment, its like a gaping hole in my soul and it feels so excruciatingly empty. it shouldnt even get to me by now. i guess i'll never know the real truth to our story?
    damn right its time to completely start anew.
     

ofclutteredspaces

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    • Member Since: 11/15/2007

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