i want to remember exactly how this feels. so that 27 days from now im going to know that i lived past this ordeal.
i feel like im fighting with myself. how do you sit at one spot without being provoked at all, but feel more trapped than you've ever felt? maybe its true that the hardest battles are the ones you fight with yourself.
i really hate myself sometimes for feeling like this. i ask myself, what the fuck is wrong with you? why cant you just accept yourself and believe in what you can do for once. its not like i choose to feel like this. and fighting it is painful.
i wish i were a boy. (cue beyonce) you know, even with their sometimes impossible egos it definitely comes in handy when you need to believe in yourself.
i feel so needy. but i dont want to be. i want to know that i can overcome my own fears standing on my own two feet.
discovering new close friends has made me realise one thing. when any of you out there find somebody to love, make sure one loves you for your fragility, above your strength. you cannot imagine the immense appreciation you can feel for someone who tells you they treasure seeing and being there for you in your point of weakness. for someone to accept you for the things that you're not rather than what you are is so extremely comforting. i really meet the most valuable friends in the world. i always felt like one had to be vision of strength to be loved, because people want you to be there for them. someone who loves you for the part of you that makes you human is what probably truly defines a genuine friend, instead of one who probably needed you for the serving of their self interests.
and to end it all off, this really got me thinking. that at this point last year i thought of you as all i ever needed. and now, you're so very small in my eyes. what have you done for me except make me feel like i wasnt good enough for myself? maybe one day you'll learn to love someone not for what they can do for you, but for the imperfections that makes love personal and unique to the both of you.
now vivi, will you believe me when i tell you that I REALLY AM AND HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE NOW, WELL OVER IT? (: