Weblog
Tuesday, 03 November 2009
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i want to remember exactly how this feels. so that 27 days from now im going to know that i lived past this ordeal.
i feel like im fighting with myself. how do you sit at one spot without being provoked at all, but feel more trapped than you've ever felt? maybe its true that the hardest battles are the ones you fight with yourself.
i really hate myself sometimes for feeling like this. i ask myself, what the fuck is wrong with you? why cant you just accept yourself and believe in what you can do for once. its not like i choose to feel like this. and fighting it is painful.
i wish i were a boy. (cue beyonce) you know, even with their sometimes impossible egos it definitely comes in handy when you need to believe in yourself.
i feel so needy. but i dont want to be. i want to know that i can overcome my own fears standing on my own two feet.discovering new close friends has made me realise one thing. when any of you out there find somebody to love, make sure one loves you for your fragility, above your strength. you cannot imagine the immense appreciation you can feel for someone who tells you they treasure seeing and being there for you in your point of weakness. for someone to accept you for the things that you're not rather than what you are is so extremely comforting. i really meet the most valuable friends in the world. i always felt like one had to be vision of strength to be loved, because people want you to be there for them. someone who loves you for the part of you that makes you human is what probably truly defines a genuine friend, instead of one who probably needed you for the serving of their self interests.
and to end it all off, this really got me thinking. that at this point last year i thought of you as all i ever needed. and now, you're so very small in my eyes. what have you done for me except make me feel like i wasnt good enough for myself? maybe one day you'll learn to love someone not for what they can do for you, but for the imperfections that makes love personal and unique to the both of you.
now vivi, will you believe me when i tell you that I REALLY AM AND HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE NOW, WELL OVER IT? (:
Thursday, 29 October 2009
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looking at you feels like seeing a reflection of my own soul.
but sometimes you are glassy eyed, it is as though you do not see me there at all.
its quite scary the way you have so many of my writing habits.
you talk and you feel through a philosophy that i can hear myself reciting.
i see all the flaws that i am sometimes too ashamed to admit to, but also pockets of strength, the only things that sustain a sense of self pride.
i can't describe a strange sense of identification that i have with you. i am like a funny stalker who knows the life of a person, whose life i hardly know. if that makes sense to you.
or maybe i just like soaking in this idea of two people living in a parallel universe. hahaha.
you might think im exaggerating. i guess there's really just hardly anything else left to live for at this momentary point in life.
i flip the idea around my head, about what it might be like to talk to a person who is too much like oneself.
maybe it might be terribly frustrating and all wrong, but it could be all so fascinating at the same time.
there is not much time left, and it is a highly unlikely fate.
if i could actually meet you though, how i'd love to tell you how intriguing you are, and how love will definitely find its way back to your life. you're holding on to a picturesque memory because it's like a drug, and the only thing that channels strength back into your life and gives you something to wake up for every morning.
i think any person who has felt like they loved someone would be able to identify.
but one day i think you might find your self worth sufficient to rise above it all, and find the magic in the reciprocity of your efforts.
and. i believe you can make it.
because if not, then there is no hope for me either.Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me
My life would end and it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears of love are a waste of time
If I turn away am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
Wednesday, 07 October 2009
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i have found my wedding song.
because jeanne and sining have all decided on what they want played on their wedding and i never had a clue, until i caught this song on the radio that day (:
its not sappy to the extent you're too appalled by your emotional capacity :P well, to me at least.All About Loving You - Bon Jovi
Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes
Chorus:
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way
Chorus:
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you
Friday, 02 October 2009
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self reminder: why care about what others think about you?
they dont know who you really are and what you're about.
and i really should chastise myself about throwing comments before they cross my head because i realize i really hate it when people do that to my friends. people in our school were way too busy passing judgement half the time to get to know the better side of too many people.and then there are people like you. i see too much of my past in your present it unnerves me. i surprise myself with how much i wish i could help you out of this tidal wave of agony you're drowning yourself in. i'm dismissing it as just a sense of righteousness, because any other thought would suggest that i am in over my head about you which is much too farfetched to accept, especially since your inkling of my presence is about as large as a pea in a plate of chaofan.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
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NEW MUSIC SOURCE! for the few people who used to come to my blog for the playlist. think my taste took a bit of a turn though, not sure if yall will still like it ><
anyways, no better way to waste away your post-prelim period than to SHOP and EAT and hang out with your BESTEST FRIENDS <3
spent the last day of the papers at ivy's house with sining, watching a bunch of hilarious youtube videos, and having a great dinner cooked by her mum, as usual. then had a heart to heart talk with sining in the train on the way home. love those babes, it never fails to amaze me how we can manage to spend absolutely minimal quality friendship time together and yet come back and seem like we never stopped hanging out. if they were guys i think this'd be a very effective long term relationship. ROFL. but of course, VERY WEIRD THOUGHT. scrap that.
met jeanne at the safra and completely caught up over a cup of teh. talked about almost EVERYTHING in life and her absolutely unfathomable taste in guys. funniest part of the conversation went something like this:
J: im really close to him and we're very good friends. and he's quite good looking and popular in school but somehow i just dont like him in that way leh.
S: WHY! he's so nice to you, you're good friends and you even think hes good looking!
J: (pause) aiyah, YOU KNOW....... he's like such a DECENT GUY.
and this is when i really laughed damn loud until the people in the bowling alley probably all accidentally threw their balls into the longkang. my dearr you never fail to amuse me. try to start liking people who can appreciate the immense amount of care you're willing to offer, pleaseplease. ;P plus, i also conclude that I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THESE VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE FOR MYSELF. *winkwink*
shopping with vivian in bugis! =D retail therapy truly provides a straight road to pure joy. as well as being truly embarassing in public, like having an unknowingly loud and bimbotic conversations that i can only do with you ((: LOVE YOU GIRLL BERY BERY MUCH. bought a whole lot of cheap and worth it stuff with my brithday money. i now have a killer LBD for 20 bucks, a vest for 10 and shorts for 15 bucks. shorts shopping an absolute sad experience for me. while vivie pulls herself easily into a pair of S sized shorts, i learnt the harsh truth that I AM A LARGE. am pretty depressed to learn that i am a fat ass, why does flesh not travel to more flattering areas of the body. in pure denial, i have also come to a very unsubstantial conclusion that sitting on your bum all day long to mug for prelims has been the cause of this. however this also means that mugging for A levels will then make me an uber fat ass. so vivi as of now you no longer can say im skinnier than you, which is complete bull by the way. because while you're proportionately shaped i have a spoon for hips.
this, though, is all in good humour, so dont take me seriously=) hope everyone's been taking a well deserved break. much love to everyone, and a reminder to stay happy, i promise it pulls you through the days. (:
ofclutteredspaces
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- Member Since: 11/15/2007
